Entertainment
Nothing was off limits during the three-hour roast of Tom Brady, which aired live on Netflix Sunday night, and featured appearances from Bill Belichick, Kevin Hart, Peyton Manning, Ben Affleck, Kim Kardashian, and more.
Leading up to Netflix’s roast of Tom Brady on Sunday night, there were a lot of unanswered questions. Which celebrities would show up to roast the G.O.A.T.? Would the panel of assembled comedians treat Brady with kid gloves, or would they unleash every weapon in their arsenal? And which of Brady’s former teammates would actually be funny?
As it turns out, “G.R.O.A.T. The Greatest Roast Of All Time: Tom Brady” was a surprisingly profane, no-holds-barred roast featuring one-liners that would get most people fired from their jobs.
Clocking in at just over three hours, the roast was filled to the brim with jokes about Brady, his divorce, his ex-wife’s new romance, his vanity, his awful business decisions, his complex relationship with Bill Belichick, and so much more.
The evening called to mind the ill-fated 2017 roast of David Ortiz, which was filmed at the House of Blues and was supposed to be televised on NESN but never aired — likely because the material was deemed too inappropriate for basic cable.
But Netflix is not basic cable, which means viewers were treated to some truly outrageous moments, including:
— Julian Edelman talking in graphic detail about deflating Tom Brady’s balls
— Rob Gronkowski setting a new record for genitalia jokes per minute
— Brady comparing Drew Bledsoe’s injury to 9/11
— Nearly every roaster making an Aaron Hernandez joke, including several of his former teammates
— Will Ferrell, in character as Ron Burgundy from “Anchorman,” leading the crowd in a chant about Brady being Eli Manning’s b****
— Brady, Belichick, and Robert Kraft taking a shot together (though Belichick looked considerably less happy than he did for much of the night)
Following roast host Kevin Hart, who opened the ceremonies and kept things light throughout the evening with his cheerful frequent refrain of “f*** you Tom,” more than a dozen comedians, celebrities, and Patriots greats stood at the dais and took the G.O.A.T. to the woodshed.
Some of the roasters were in top form, particularly comedians Nikki Glaser, Jeff Ross, and Boston native Sam Jay.
Of the athletes who participated, Edelman, Bledsoe, and Peyton Manning probably acquitted themselves best. Others, like Randy Moss, didn’t quite have the roast cadence down pat.
One of the bigger disappointments of the night was Ben Affleck. The Cambridge native seemed unclear on the fact that roasts are supposed to zing the people in the room, instead spending his five minutes ripping a faceless (and seemingly apocryphal) online commenter. Even Kim Kardashian, who was booed by many in the room when she initially took the stage, fired off more actual jokes than Affleck.
The most pleasant surprise of the night was undoubtedly Belichick. The famously dour coach not only delivered withering one-liners with a wry smile, but even addressed the Apple TV+ “The Dynasty” series, which many saw as an attack on his reputation. Not to be outdone, Robert Kraft fired off a few jokes from the audience, addressing the tension.
For all of its chaotic energy, the Netflix roast of Tom Brady is absolutely worth watching, and is already available streaming on Netflix for those who missed it.
But if you’re stuck at work and aren’t able to watch some of the more off-color bits, here are 19 of the best jokes from the Tom Brady roast that our editor will let us publish.
Gisele jokes
“Gisele gave you an ultimatum. Gisele said, ‘You retire or we’re done.’ […] Lemme tell you something: When you got a chance to go 8-9 and all it’ll cost you is your wife and kids, you gotta do what the f*** you gotta do.” — Kevin Hart
“Give it up for the Lord of the Super Bowl Rings, my friend Tom Brady. A man who has so many rings he could melt them down and forge a sword to go on a quest to get Gisele back from that jiu-jitsu teacher.” — Jeff Ross
“Tom Brady. Five-time Super Bowl MVP, most career wins, most career touchdowns. You have seven rings — well, eight, now that Gisele gave hers back. The only thing dumber than saying yes to this roast was when you said, ‘Hey babe, you should try jiu-jitsu.’” — Nikki Glaser
“There’s been a lot of jokes tonight, but the truth is I miss the love of my life — football.” — Tom Brady
Tom Brady jokes
Tom, I wanted you to be our first G.O.A.T. to be roasted, because you’re an example to future generations. if you work hard, eat right, film the other team’s practices, deflate the balls and have the NFL make new rules just for you, you too can be the third-most famous guy in a Dunkin Donuts commercial.” — Jeff Ross
“I started a winery. It’s called Doubleback. It’s named after what Tom does every time he walks past a mirror.” — Drew Bledsoe
“You retired, then you came back, and then you retired again. I mean I get it, it’s hard to walk away from something that’s not your pregnant girlfriend.” — Nikki Glaser
“When we played together, Tom, you used to scream, ‘Laser focus! Laser focus!’ Now that’s what he screams at his plastic surgeon. Who’s laughing now Tom? Not you, because your face can’t move and you don’t have a sense of humor.” — Julian Edelman
“People said that Tom and I butted heads a lot. In a way that was true, but not really. It was hard to butt heads with Tom because his was so far up Alex Guerrero’s a**.” — Bill Belichick
“Tom is making a donation to every one of his former teammates’ charities that came here tonight. And I gotta tell you, Tom, that is first class. Hey fellas, don’t let him pay you in crypto.” — Peyton Manning
Bill Belichick jokes
“The fellas invited me up here to lighten the mood tonight.” — Bill Belichick
“I’m so honored to be here for the roast of Tom Brady on Netflix. That’s not to be confused with The Roast of Bill Belichick, the ten-part Apple TV series.” — Bill Belichick
“A lot of people connect me to the saying, “Do your job,’ and telling people to do their job. Gronk, I’ve been watching you on FOX NFL Sunday, and I’m begging you: Stop doing your job. Do another job. Do somebody else’s job!” — Bill Belichick
For those who don’t know, Coach is going to do some work on Eli and my Monday Night Football show this year. […] Eli and I are super excited, and it’s going to give Coach Belichick something he hasn’t had in awhile: The chance to be around quarterbacks he respects.” — Peyton Manning
“Like many family reunions, there’s some people I’m desperately trying to avoid. Coach Belichick, good to see you. You really look debonair in sleeves.” — Robert Kraft
Miscellaneous jokes
“Tom brought Boston with him tonight. Goddamn. I’ve never seen Inglewood so white. It’s so f****** white in here. It looks like a Bruce Springsteen concert just let out.” — Kevin Hart
“This is pretty f****** ballsy of you. Is life too f****** good? You’re like, you know what, I want somebody to kick my a** for three hours. This settles it: You won’t see me volunteering for the Ben Affleck Roast. Or as I like to call it, Thursday.” — Ben Affleck
“Despite everything we’ve seen here tonight, Gronk was actually useful on the field. Although the bar for Patriots tight ends was pretty low back then: Block, catch, don’t murder.” — Tom Brady
“People ask, ‘Tom, why would you do this roast now?’ It’s simple: I can take the hits. I would’ve done this earlier, but I’ve just been too busy winning championships. Which explains why Peyton did this roast 8 years ago.” — Tom Brady
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