DEAR HARRIETTE: The advice you gave to “Tight Budget,” the reader debating going to a destination wedding, was wrong. She shouldn’t have to do without for a few months just to attend a wedding.
If the bride really wanted and expected people to attend her wedding, she should have it in a closer location. It is selfish for the couple to ask people to spend that much money. They could have the real wedding nearby, then go wherever they wanted for the honeymoon.
Tight Budget should say to her “friend,” “I love you. I’m happy for you. But I just can’t afford a trip.”
True friendship is built on honesty. A real friend would understand and not expect someone to spend money they don’t have.
— Wrong Answer
DEAR WRONG ANSWER: Your strong opinion is valid. Thank you for sharing it. I also think the bride and groom have the right to host their wedding wherever they choose, and the invitees should not feel guilty if the cost is prohibitive.
DEAR HARRIETTE: When Sean “Diddy” Combs was arrested a few weeks ago, the news showed a video of him beating up a woman, and it disturbed me so much.
What happened to that woman was awful, but there was more, and I couldn’t figure it out at first. Then I realized that it was triggering for me: When I was younger, my college boyfriend beat me up and threw me down the hall in a rage. It was horrible. Worse, nobody helped me.
This occurred in his dorm at college, and there were guys who came out in the hall to see what the noise was, but not one of them did anything.
I hate to admit it, but I probably would have gone back with him if it hadn’t been for my sister who was living with me and rescued me emotionally. I was a mess.
Seeing almost the identical scenario play out on TV brought it all back to me. I thought I was over it, but that video got me thinking once again about how I could be so stupid to allow myself to get to that vulnerable place.
How do you fully heal from that type of abuse? What can I do now that I’m all messed up again?
— Triggered
DEAR TRIGGERED: Sadly, many people were triggered by that video. It’s natural that seeing abuse in action stirs up one’s own horrors.
In a moment when you experience a strong reaction, you can practice deep breathing, remove yourself from the situation (i.e., turn off the TV), call a friend and rely on that ally.
You would also benefit from psychological counseling. Engage a professional to walk you through your life and experiences. Check in with yourself and your story to see how you are managing today. How do you interact in intimate relationships now? Have you figured out how to set boundaries and be safe?
Do some exploration to determine your psychological and physical safety. You are worth it.
To learn more about dealing with triggers, go to betterup.com/blog/triggers.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.