DEAR MISS MANNERS: It used to be the bride who proclaimed that the wedding was Her Day.
As soon as that attitude resulted in many of them being called “Bridezilla,” everyone else started popping up to proclaim it Her Day (or The Couple’s Day).
Does the mother of the bride want to exclude her ex — who treated her abominably in the divorce, and who isn’t related to nor close with the bride — from the wedding? Too bad. “It’s not about you,” she’s told.
Is a bridesmaid annoyed to be sent back three times, at her own expense, to get the correct shade of blue on shoes that won’t even be seen under a floor-length dress? “It’s not about you.”
Does a guest wonder if a gift was ever received because they have heard nothing from the happy couple, who married months ago? “It’s not about you.”
In this Gentle Reader’s opinion, “It’s not about you” is just another way of saying “You don’t matter.” It turns people into props in a reality show.
GENTLE READER: A huge industry is committed to the notion that weddings are an etiquette-free period for bridal couples. So Miss Manners is not surprised to hear this outrageous notion repeated, even by the very people who become its victims.
If it just meant designing confusing table settings, or subjecting people to gooey love talk, no great harm would be done. However, it has come to mean feeling relieved of the necessity of considering the feelings of other people, often resulting in relatives and other guests being ordered around, ignored or fleeced.
Whatever their dreams, the couple is not excused from making sure that implementing them will not be a hardship for their families and guests.
And those folks are doing them no favors by encouraging selfishness, regardless of the expense to others — including themselves. There can hardly be a worse attitude with which to start a marriage.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My niece is graduating college in Iowa next year. I have several family heirlooms I would like to periodically give her on special occasions.
I have no children, and these are special items I inherited.
One of these is a set of Wedgwood fine china my great-grandmother bought nearly 100 years ago. It’s kind of cool: Each plate has an illustration of a different building at Harvard University. My niece knows her great-grandfather and great-uncle both graduated from there.
Is this an appropriate gift for her college graduation, or should I give it to her another time? China would be more appropriate for a wedding, traditionally, but why wait?
GENTLE READER: Because it implies that she should have gone to Harvard, and because a large, fragile set for which she is not likely to have any use in the immediate future would be a burden on a new college graduate.
While it is kind of you to make your niece the heiress to these family treasures, surely you should also take into account what might be pleasing to her, and when. You could even tell her now that you want to give her the family china when she has a household to accommodate it.
Meanwhile, didn’t you inherit something that might be useful to her now? A coffee machine? A car?
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.