Dear Eric: My husband died 11 years ago. He was the greatest love of my life (so far?). Things became really bad two years before he passed due to his alcoholism.
When we met, both of us were clean and sober. About four or five years later, during a romantic weekend, we both lost our sobriety. However, nothing changed between us or our relationship. We only drank on weekends after our son was in bed, and we never frequented bars. We drank at home.
Then his drinking escalated quickly, especially after his father died. Things between us went downhill from there.
Eventually, I realized I had to leave. But when I found out he had three to six months to live, I moved back to take care of him.
Since he died, I have not only struggled to survive financially, but I struggle with moving on emotionally. I haven’t dated or sought any relationship with any man. I don’t trust any man who shows an interest in me.
I want to be happy again. I want to feel that joy, enthusiasm and lust for life, and find someone to share that with! I know something has got to be wrong with me if I’m rejecting men who want to know me.
Should I seek a therapist or just accept that I might be too messed up to move on?
— Stuck in Grief
Dear Stuck: You are not too messed up. You are suffering, yes. You are dealing with a lot, even 11 years later, yes. But you aren’t broken beyond repair.
If you haven’t been already, please see if an Al-Anon meeting or a Smart Recovery Family meeting feels right to you. As you know, alcoholism is a family disease and his drinking affected you, even when you were drinking, too.
Maybe you’re feeling guilt, blame, anger or codependency and those feelings are keeping you from moving forward in your life and in other relationships.
The whirlwind of the dissolution of your marriage and his death blew up your life. Without processing your feelings around it, it’s going to be hard to move ahead.
Seek out the free resources mentioned above to begin the journey. They may also be able to point you to free or sliding-scale therapy, where you can get more specific in your healing journey.
Don’t feel that you need to jump back into the dating pool too quickly. Time takes time. But the fact that you’re reaching out, that you’ve expressed such a strong desire to connect, indicates that you’re ready to let some of this go in favor of a more healed future. I wish you luck.
Dear Eric: Ordinarily, my friend is loving and affectionate to her middle-aged cat. She takes good care of him, with food, water and attention.
Today, she told me her cat has a condition that requires medical care, but she feels the vet just wants her money. Instead, she is choosing a less costly homeopathic route, along with supplements and a modified diet, telling me she knows the cat may not have long to live.
Though I would follow a different path, I listened to my friend and did not challenge or try to change her personal decision.
My problem is that I feel sad for her cat and am surprised, after hearing her gush about how much she loves her pet companion for years, by how casual she now is about his current state.
Everyone grieves in their own way, and I need to not judge but I find I am disheartened and am judging my friend. How can I frame this situation so that I can be present for and help my friend?
— Pet Heartsick
Dear Heartsick: Oh, I feel so sad for this cat and for your friend. It sounds like your friend is making the best decision she can, given her financial circumstances.
I know it sounds cruel to you, but she might be backed into a corner. To wit, if she feels she can’t rely on the vet for good advice, it’s likely a kind of hopelessness has crept in.
In terms of re-framing, it might put your mind at ease to offer a little help. If it’s within your means, you can ask her if she’d like support paying the vet bill. Or, if that’s not possible, you could help her look into lower cost vet care or financial assistance for pet owners. Your local no-kill shelter or nonprofit is a good place to start searching for resources.
If she’s resistant, however, remind yourself that this is a significant loss for her and this may be the only way she can wrap her mind around the grief. Being there for her as she processes it is a kindness.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.