Dear Quentin,
I have a serious problem with my oldest son, who is 36 and married.
I have helped him financially so he has a solid understanding that saving equals paying yourself first. However, I’m guilty of helping too much, so much so he seems to have his hand out for most of his infrequent phone calls to me.
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Yesterday I wrote him an email to say his cousin was doing a music show in Dallas in October. His nasty reply was shocking, huge and immediate, and it just brought home the fact I have repeatedly asked him not to treat me that way, and yet it has continued.
I have forgiven his behavior so many times I’ve lost count. I don’t deserve this. I’ve done nothing wrong. I will no longer accept it. I’m embarrassed to say it’s been going on for years. I threatened to love him from afar if he ever did it again. Now I need to act on it.
He is medicated for anxiety and depression. He’s been taking his meds. It’s obvious that he doesn’t need me for anything except money. Is there a way to change this dynamic?
At My Wit’s End
Dear End,
Tell him, “No.” Tell him, “Alas no.” Tell him, “No, thank you.” Whatever it takes. Rinse and repeat. Stick to your script. You have no reason to make excuses. You have done everything you could. He is responsible for the man he is today.
To change the dynamic, you would have to give your son a personality transplant. That’s not going to happen. Not anytime soon. No amount of money and no number of pep talks will give your son the gift of gratitude, magically make him appreciate your largesse or unravel the roots of his resentment. Nor will medication alone do the job. It will take therapy, tough love on your part, and self awareness and accountability on his part. You can’t buy those things on Amazon.com.
The person, in the context of this letter, who needs the most support is you. Enlist the help of a trusted family friend, a lawyer and a therapist. You need to extricate yourself from this toxic situation by setting boundaries, and not allowing yourself to be constantly hurt by cruel emails or text messages, bullying or requests for more money. Those requests for cash are also an unspoken bargain: If you acquiesce this time, maybe it will make everything OK. It won’t.
You wrote this letter just in time. Bullying you for money and treating you like an ATM today could lead to elder abuse tomorrow, so you need to protect yourself legally and financially. What if you had a heart attack or a stroke and became infirm? Or if in 10 or 20 years you lose mobility? Who do you turn to? You may wish to put in place a power of attorney (a lawyer or another trusted relative) who can act on your behalf in the event you are incapacitated.
In addition, explore a medical power of attorney, a separate advance directive that would allow a third party — one of your other children; not your son, obviously — to oversee your healthcare treatment in the event you need help. The more specific the directive, the more effective it will be: It could state, for instance, that you would like to have a “do not resuscitate” clause or a “no blood transfusion” clause or a “no visitor” policy for certain individuals if you are in the hospital.
Revisit your power-of-attorney document annually, just like you would with a revocable trust. Speaking of which, if you do have a significant estate, consider putting those assets in a revocable trust — that becomes irrevocable upon your death. You can distribute your assets, according to your specifications after you’re gone and/or set money aside for your grandchildren’s education. A trust also avoids probate, which is public and time consuming.
Next up, update your beneficiaries. It’s only the first step in standing up for yourself and helping you get your mojo back. Your beneficiary designations will apply to your 401(k), if you have one, any life-insurance policies, and bank accounts. You can add a “transfer-upon-death” deed to your house. Taking all of these actions will help reduce your probated estate, and reduce the need for legal contests.
Finally, make a will. Be very specific about who you are including and excluding. And now the hard part: Start getting used to saying no, and don’t give or lend any more money to your son. As I told this woman, who loaned her son $30,000, it won’t act as a proxy for whatever it is your son believes you have done or have not done during his lifetime. Resist the urge to share your plans with family because that will likely set off another battle royale.
This process will not only protect you — it will empower you. Ring-fencing your finances is the first step in building healthy boundaries, and will start you on the practical process of looking after your own future. Being pressured to give money due to the risk of backlash is a symptom of financial abuse. Don’t let anyone take you hostage — financially or emotionally. You have a right to a happy, healthy and peaceful life. It’s yours for the taking.
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