DEAR ABBY: I am married, but it isn’t perfect. My husband of seven years, for whatever reason, doesn’t like my family. My mom has now been diagnosed with early dementia. I want her to come live with us, but he doesn’t want that. If I even go by her home, he has a problem. I’m torn between saving my marriage or taking care of Mom. Please help me figure out what to do. — NEEDED IN THE VIRGIN ISLANDS
DEAR NEEDED: It’s time to carefully evaluate the quality of your marriage. When you married your husband, you promised to stay with him until death do you part. If your mother were out of the equation, would your marriage be better? Is he this controlling in other areas of your life?
Taking in a parent with dementia can be a full-time job. Are there other relatives who could take her in if you offer to participate in the care she will need? You have a lot of thinking to do, my friend. IF you were to end your marriage, would you have the stamina to care for your mother until the end?
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I retired a few years ago to a neighborhood where most of the residents are our age, and we have become friendly with the widow next door. My husband and I help her out with any minor home issues she runs into and some light gardening. We are happy to do this. She and I also occasionally get together for coffee.
She recently called to invite us to dinner at her house with her sister (whom we have met) and her sister’s husband. Abby, I don’t want to start socializing over dinners with her. My husband and I are introverts, and I have anxiety issues. Although I have entertained on a small scale occasionally over the years (usually just one couple), I become extremely anxious and I’m miserable until it is over. I want my retirement years to be as stress-free as possible. We also are particular about the foods we eat. She sends food over occasionally that I end up throwing out.
Her brother lives close by, keeps completely to himself and has nothing to do with any neighbors. I’m thinking of telling her (or using the excuse) that my husband is pretty much like her brother and isn’t interested in getting together for dinners. Is this rude, or is there a more polite way of doing it? — SEEKING STRESS-FREE IN THE EAST
DEAR SEEKING: Your neighbor may have invited you for dinner as a way to repay the many favors you and your husband have done for her. Do NOT tell her your husband is “like her brother,” because you don’t know the reason her brother is the way he is.
A preferable solution to your problem would be to be honest. Tell her you enjoy your occasional coffees together, but you have anxiety issues, which is why, although you like her very much, you would not be comfortable socializing with her sister and brother-in-law.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.