DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m a 54-year-old woman with a 61-year-old twice-divorced man who seems to be stuck in the past with how his wives treated him.
My partner is untrusting and tries to control the things I do and the places I want to go.
Since we decided to make this a relationship, he’s either at my place or wants me at his. In the three months that we’ve been together, I have not spent a night alone, but I want to.
He gets disappointed when I tell him that I want time alone, and he comes to my place anyway. I’ve talked to him about this, so he knows how I feel.
Although we’ve only been dating for three months, I’ve known him for more than 25 years. I’ve always wanted to be with him, but it never happened until now.
I’ve never been married, and he wants to marry me, but I’m afraid that if I do, the controlling behavior will only get worse.
I believe he’s a good guy other than what I mentioned above, and I want to give it more time, but my mind is telling me to retreat.
— Unsure of What To Do
DEAR UNSURE OF WHAT TO DO: It is common for people to have baggage as they mature and live their lives. Your guy has some relationship scars that are real and need to be addressed independent of you.
Tell him that you have always been attracted to him and are happy that the two of you get to be together now, but it is obvious that he has some personal work to do in order to be emotionally healthy and available. Suggest that he go to therapy.
He needs to tackle his issues — especially the ones that have nothing to do with you. Whatever happened in his marriages and in his life that predates you is impacting the two of you today.
Encourage him to take the brave step to get help to sort through his issues so that he will be as whole as he can be for his future, which you hope will include you.
You may have to put your foot down on this one. Let him know that as much as you like him, you do not have the capacity to heal him.
DEAR HARRIETTE: This letter is for “Teen Wars,” the mother of the fighting sisters. I wanted to offer some hope.
My brother and I are less than a year apart, and when we weren’t best friends, we were often in altercations that became physical. Eventually, when I was around 14, we stopped talking, and my mother accepted it as the way it was.
The hopeful part, though, is that once we became adults and I moved out, we reconciled. We have had a wonderful relationship for almost 20 years now. I was a big part of his son’s early life, and when he found out I was spending my 40th birthday alone, he drove out to take me to my favorite restaurant!
I think your advice is spot-on, and please let your reader know that there is hope!
— Don’t Give Up
DEAR DON’T GIVE UP: Thanks for your insights. Yes, time can be a healer. I do hope that anyone struggling with sibling squabbles will find peace.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.