DEAR ABBY: I’ve been in a relationship for 11 years. We’re not married, nor do we live together. We are both 57. It has been kind of rocky over the years. He is controlling at times, then does nice things for me. Lately, he has expressed a desire for us to “just have fun.” Problem is, he’s been having fun with his 27-year-old son and his son’s friends, and he has managed to not include me at all. Then he proceeds to ask me what I want to do.
When I mention a few “date” activities, he’s not interested. He finds better things to do with his kid and complains to me that I never have any ideas about anything to do. He only wants sex with me. I want to do the fun things I have suggested to him. He claims he loves me and wants me to be part of his life. I feel I’m only a convenience for him. Help, please! — DISSATISFIED IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR DISSATISFIED: If there are things you would like to do, do them with people who are willing. While you’re doing that, ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship you want in perpetuity. Whether your boyfriend is bored or having a midlife crisis, I can’t opine. But if you feel he values you only for the sex you provide, it may be time to move on.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, “Silas,” and I have been married for 30 years. He is the deacon and Sunday school teacher at our church. (His brother is the pastor.) Silas had a two-year affair with another woman at work while he continued teaching Sunday school.
I have a hard time with this. I will never trust him again, and I don’t trust him in my faith. I resigned my position as church clerk immediately after finding out what he had done. I couldn’t continue my position with the mess I was about to go through. I left him.
Six months later, we got back together, mainly for me to take ownership on everything I had worked for in my life. I have never returned to our church because he didn’t step down from leadership, and the church didn’t force him. Silas also lied and told the entire congregation, from the pulpit, that I had two affairs. How could he do this in front of the congregation of a church I’ve attended for 30 years? He is still not REAL in his faith or his love for me.
I have no money to start over, as I withdrew all of my 401(k) and paid off everything we owed, including our home. How do I get out now with no funds? During the six months I was gone, he didn’t even want to give me $300 a week to live and pay bills. If I leave, I leave with nothing. All I want is to be loved and happy. Please advise. — FEELING UNWORTHY IN LOUISIANA
DEAR FEELING UNWORTHY: Please accept my sympathy for this sorry situation. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline and ask for help to escape the financial straitjacket your husband has you in. Its toll-free phone number is 800-799-7233. Many other women have done this and succeeded, and so can you.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.