Dear Eric: A friend was recently served divorce papers by her husband after a scandal in which he moved her and their children across the country for a new job, only to reveal he was leaving her for a long-term mistress in that same town.
I want to be there for her in this awful time, but our dynamic has been so off that I am struggling to sympathize with her.
Over the past several years our long-term friend group has opened up to each other about challenges in all of our marriages – infidelity, COVID lockdown, aging parents, moves, etc. She always maintained a smug older-sister “I’m worried about you” stance with condescending undertones we tolerated.
To find out now she had been having serious problems in her own marriage for years, that she was not in fact “blindsided” as she purports, and that she never once opened up while we were all being vulnerable, it just leaves me with an ick.
Now when I talk to her, I feel like I’m talking to a PR machine. She owes no one any details about her personal life and I’m not asking, but this is a very inauthentic friendship and I’m uncomfortable participating in it as is.
What is my role here? Is it my turn to say, “There, there, I’m worried about you”?
– Sorry But Not Sorry
Dear Sorry: Charitably, you can read her past condescension and creative relationship with the truth as a symptom of her insecurity. Depending on how condescending and creative she was, that may be a lot of charity. And none of it tax-deductible.
But, alas, trading condescension for condescension isn’t going to make you feel any better.
Try readjusting your expectations of her and this friendship. Sympathizing with her may not be possible, but you can still express kindness on a human level. She may not be able to give your friend group the vulnerability or empathy that you need.
This can also be a way of redrawing the boundaries in your relationship. You can engage with her less, while still affirming that you’re here for her, should she need something. And perhaps later, when she’s in a better place, you can have a conversation about the kind of friendship you’d like to have with her.
Dear Eric: I love my boyfriend. We’ve been dating for a year and it’s the first time I can say I’ve developed feelings for someone. But I see my attraction dwindling due to a few factors, mostly having to do with hygiene.
We’re both in our early 30s and he’s a healthy and clean person, but he doesn’t seem to care about certain things that seem baseline to me.
For instance, he says he sends his laundry out, but very often it has a very strong smell of mildew that pushes me away, as I don’t particularly want to hug him when he smells like that or stay at his place if I can’t even use a towel to dry my hands.
He puts deodorant on multiple times a day, but sometimes he’ll hug me at night, or I’ll go in to hug him and I’m immediately repelled by his lingering body odor.
When it comes to his apartment and those hygiene issues, it feels like he’s still in college – getting the cheapest products possible regardless of whether they work or not (and when he can afford better).
I’ve avoided saying anything or hinting at anything because he’s an adult (and I know I’m very sensitive to smells in general). But this is driving me away from him. How do I politely bring this up?
– Cleaning House
Dear House: Odor and ardor are so closely linked for many of us; this may not be a comfortable conversation, but clear communication can draw you closer.
What’s more, it’s quite possible that his odor issues are partially caused by a medical condition or his diet, in addition to the products he’s using or his hygiene. So, bringing this up may help him sniff out a solution.
You can couch some of your conversation in a concern that he’s getting bad service from the laundry service or the deodorant – call it a “dollars and scents” talk. “Do you notice the smell from the laundry? I don’t think they’re treating your clothes right.”
But you will also need to be direct and kind about your baseline misalignment, i.e., his smell. No need to make a stink of it, but he needs to get a … scents of what’s happening on your side of the relationship.
“Honey, I love you a lot, and I know that body odor is a normal and natural thing, but sometimes the smell is a little hard for me to be around. Would you consider trying some new products?”
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.