DEAR HARRIETTE: My close friend recently went through a divorce, and that has been causing her a lot of stress. She’s been feeling overwhelmed and often calls me to vent or seek advice.
I want to be there for her, but I’ve been juggling a heavy workload at my job and have limited free time.
I’ve been trying to offer support through quick texts and occasional calls, but I feel like I’m not being as present or helpful as I’d like to be. I’m also worried that if I try to spend more time helping her, it might affect my own work and personal commitments.
How can I support my friend more during this time without compromising my own responsibilities?
— Friend in Need of Support
DEAR FRIEND IN NEED OF SUPPORT: Hopefully your friend will not be in emotional crisis mode forever.
This period is tender for her, and it is great for you to be there as much as you can, but establish boundaries.
Carve out a particular amount of time each week that you can focus on her. If you can truly zoom in on her uninterrupted for a certain amount of time, she will grow to appreciate that and better understand when you are not available. In this way, you can tend to yourself and be there to support her as well.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a 30-year-old woman, and my mom recently passed away. Everywhere I look, I am reminded of her, and I don’t know how I am going to get through the holiday season without her.
My mom brought so much joy to Thanksgiving and Christmas, and she was the heart of our family’s celebrations.
The thought of facing these holidays without her fills me with an overwhelming sense of sadness and emptiness. I miss her laugh, her cooking and the way she made every moment special. Our family traditions feel hollow without her presence, and I find myself dreading the upcoming celebrations that used to be my favorite times of the year.
I’ve tried to stay busy and have surrounded myself with loved ones, but it’s hard to shake the feeling of loss. I worry that I’ll never be able to enjoy the holidays again without her.
Do you have any advice on how I can get through this difficult time and find a way to honor my mom’s memory while coping with the grief of her absence?
— Missing Mom
DEAR MISSING MOM: It’s good that you are thinking ahead, even though right now it is with dread.
You can benefit from grief counseling. This specific type of therapy helps you to talk through your loss and process how you are feeling, what your mother meant to you and how you can reframe your understanding of her as you live your life.
Losing your mom is huge, and it clearly has left a devastatingly large hole in your spirit. Work with a professional to help you heal that wound, and figure out ways to honor your mother as you also move forward through life.
You may consider establishing a ritual in honor of your mother, in which you remember her and gather others to sing her praises.
Allow yourself to welcome your mother’s voice as you go through life. My father has been gone 25 years, and I still regularly hear him giving me advice about this or that as if he were right here. I welcome that now. Over time, you may, too.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.