DEAR ABBY: I have been with my live-in boyfriend, “Kyle,” for four years. He has many great qualities, the most important of them being he fully accepts my daughter as his own. He doesn’t see her as his “girlfriend’s kid” or even a “stepchild.” She has no contact with her biological father or any of his family and has blossomed as a person since Kyle has been in the picture.
The problem is, he likes to message women online through various dating and hook-up sites and share sexually explicit pictures and messages. He has never met any of them in person. I have confirmed this. He states he just likes the thrill and attention.
I have expressed multiple times that I consider this a betrayal. I honestly thought he had turned over a new leaf, but I have just discovered his behavior is continuing. I’m heartbroken, but I worry about what splitting up would do to my daughter.
When I left her biological father, she had some major behavioral and emotional issues. I can’t bear the thought of putting her through that again. She would not only lose her father figure but also his extended family that has fully embraced her. Do I tough it out until she’s 18, or do I leave now? — HEARTBROKEN IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR HEARTBROKEN: I wish you had mentioned how old your daughter is. If she’s in her mid-to-late-teens, she is old enough to understand that you cannot let the romance continue as it is. If she’s not yet in her teens, line up a licensed therapist to help you cope with the fallout that happened after your divorce.
Your partner may be a sex addict, which would account for his behavior and his inability to stop. What he has been doing IS a betrayal, and when to draw the line depends upon your tolerance for pain.
P.S. Are you staying with him only to avoid upheaval for your daughter? You must do what’s best for her and YOU. There are resources that address sex addiction. Would he agree to try?
DEAR ABBY: My mother has been a drinker for many years, but the past few years it has escalated. She and her partner drink heavily during the day on a daily basis. They embarrass themselves at family gatherings and don’t remember conversations.
I live out of state, and 90% of the time I talk with my mom, she is drunk. Family members are concerned, and it is affecting their relationships, but I don’t think Mom and her partner recognize it. I have tried talking with her about it and so has my aunt. She avoids the conversation and pretends like it never happened.
She’s now in her 70s and retired. I’m not sure there’s anything we can do. I’m having a hard time talking with her when she’s drunk, and we are drifting apart because of it. Do you have any advice? — TIRED OF IT IN ILLINOIS
DEAR TIRED: It isn’t surprising that you and your mother are drifting apart. Dealing with an addict who is in denial is impossible. As much as you would like to, you can’t “fix” your mother or her drinking buddy.
You can, however, save yourself tears and worry by finding a chapter of Al-Anon in your community and attending some meetings (al-anon.org/info). Once you start searching, you will find they are everywhere. Al-Anon, an offshoot of AA, was created for family members and others who are affected by an alcoholic’s addiction.
It is important for your own well-being that you do not shoulder responsibility for what is happening with your mother. Once you meet other adults who are coping with the same problems you are, you will understand that.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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