Well, I blame Labour. It might seem rash to blame the new Government, just 33 days in power, for everything from riots to high taxes to my mother’s washing machine breaking down, but having spent four hours on the phone to the manufacturer, that’s what I’m in the mood to do.
And I’m not alone. Keir Starmer’s poll rating has dropped nine points since he took office. This is despite him looking like a prime minister and handling the far-Right thuggery well. With his brylcreem hair and NHS specs, Sir Steer Calmly resembles a leader of the 1940s, the minister for biscuits in a Pathe News Real.
But modern voters want to know “what’s in it for me?” The Government’s first, significant act has been to take the Winter Fuel payment off pensioners and give a 22 per cent pay rise over two years to junior doctors, most of whom, if they could exercise a little patience, will shortly be earning north of £40,000.
Largesse for public sector workers but scrap the social care cap? Build a billion houses, yet cut spending on road and rail? Historians will scratch their heads at such contradictions, but today’s commentariat applauds them, congratulating Labour on its maturity and courage.
Andrew Marr, minutes into the new era, said that “for the first time in many of our lives”, Britain felt like “a little haven of peace and stability”; governed by “ordinary, down to earth serious people, talking like the rest of us”.
I love Andrew; he’s one of our best broadcasters. But who exactly is this “us”?
The confusion of British politics could be solved if the two main parties swapped brands: call the Conservatives “Radical” and Labour the “Conservatives.” To conserve is to defend orthodoxy, and the orthodoxy in Britain is liberal-Left, across the BBC, universities, corporations, charities and the civil service. These people have long been pushing us in one direction, with the only slight resistance coming from a Tory majority in the Commons.
The Tories having been annihilated, Andrew is sort of right: even as the provinces burn, it feels as if peace has descended across Westminster, for there is now an alignment between cultural and political power.
The state can unbuckle its belt. Breathe. Expand. As a subtle war is waged on the Brexit class, cutting its benefits and building over its countryside, money will be found for public sector workers – gawd bless ‘em – nationalising rail, a public power company, and, my personal favourite, something called the “growth mission board”.
Labour has never been truly socialist; chancellors from Philip Snowden to Denis Healey were austere. Rather, the party is the vehicle for every generation’s cohort of do-gooders, taking the values of the contemporary managerial class and translating them into policy.
That’s why I feel no shame pinning our troubles on a month-old Labour government. These people have been cocking-up our country from the sidelines for years.
The educationalists who discouraged standards and discipline are now re-writing the curriculum, the money printers at the Bank are now in bed with the Treasury, and the naifs who took a knee for Black Lives Matter are in charge of policing a riot, having contributed to turning the police force into a “hands off” organisation.
The rioters should “feel the full force of the law”, say ministers. I was rather hoping they’d arrest them.
Tory leadership
Mel Stride has challenged his Tory rivals to a series of televised debates. No, no, no! Having ruined my spring by calling a general election early, you people are not going to ruin my summer by holding a public leadership contest.
The best solution is to lock the six candidates into a room and let them sort it out privately. They can use bottles, fists, I don’t care: whoever lives, wins. Just keep it to yourselves.
One despairs at the self-regard of modern British politics. This is a modest country: politics should be conducted in the Commons or the columns of the Daily Telegraph. But everyone thinks they are American now, and the gulf between this aspiration and their actual talent makes them look silly. James Cleverly recorded a campaign launch video – like he’s Bill Clinton – talking in a very dark library. It was meant to evoke gravitas. The poor man, cursed with a naturally depressed voice, looked as if he’d gone in there to shoot himself.
As for old Mel, no one knows who he is. When GBNews reported his candidature, it referred to him as “they” – indicating that the broadcaster wasn’t sure if Mel stood for Melvyn or Melanie, and didn’t wish to offend either way. I have asked far and wide for insider takes on Miss Stride, and all I got was one MP who dimly recalled that “he’s good at Sudoku” – though he thought that might be someone else.
The most satisfying final round would be Tom Tugendhat vs Kemi Badenoch, a contest not in policy but style. Do you like your opposition disarmingly loyal or amusingly rude? Choose wisely: the Tories will be opposing things for a very long time.