DEAR HARRIETTE: I ended a long-term relationship a few months ago and have met somebody new. At first, it was very exciting, but I am beginning to notice things that bother me.
In the beginning, I was so happy to have someone who really “saw” me that I didn’t need much more. Now I am noticing that he is often unavailable to talk and just not as engaged as I would like. When I say something about this, he always has an excuse.
I am looking at the big picture. I just ended a relationship that had become distant. I don’t want to start one that is already not fulfilling some of my basic needs.
Do you think I am being too needy? I realize he has a life too, but I don’t like the rhythm of things, and it has only been a few months.
— Unsure
DEAR UNSURE: Tell this man what you want and expect in a relationship, and ask him what he wants and expects. Be upfront about it now, when you have nothing to lose.
Make sure he knows what you value. Be as clear as possible — you cannot expect him to read your mind.
Find out specifics about him, too. Let him know what doesn’t sit quite right now and ask him detailed questions. Otherwise, you will either have to bite your tongue and bear it (which will only build up resentment), overcompensate in order to capture more of his attention (which will not likely work), or walk away without voicing your opinion clearly.
Be brave, state your case and see what happens next.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My parents have been married for nearly 30 years, and they still seem so much in love. Most of my friends’ parents divorced a long time ago.
I have been in a relationship for three years now. It is good, but I can’t help but wonder if we could have what my parents do, or if we will more likely end up like most of the older adults I know. We are still young.
I keep watching my parents to see if I can figure out why they still work together. Is there a way to ensure that we will stay together and be happy?
— Looking to the Future
DEAR LOOKING TO THE FUTURE: Why not talk to your parents, together or individually?
Ask them what works in their marriage and how it has changed over the years. Invite them to tell you stories of good times and challenging moments. Gently probe to learn what makes them tick as a couple.
Inquire also about what they do individually to take care of themselves. How do they settle disagreements? What do they do when they make mistakes and hurt each other’s feelings?
Talk to them over time to learn how they navigate life together. This information can help you process ideas on how to build a healthy life with your partner.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.