DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been married for a while now, and I just found out that my husband has been keeping some of his finances a secret from me.
Despite our talks about being open about money, he has been hiding debts and his spending habits. I recently discovered that he’s been spending a significant amount on luxury watches and dining out, which he never mentioned to me.
It feels like a breach of trust. It’s not affecting our finances right now, and he is not yet aware that I know, but I’m worried about the future.
I want to have a conversation about financial honesty and transparency in our marriage, but I’m not a confrontational type and am unsure how to approach this.
— Secretive Husband
DEAR SECRETIVE HUSBAND: Years ago, wives used to talk about their secret stash of cash that they kept for personal needs; it was known as “mad money.” Your husband seems to have his own mad money.
Indiscriminate spending of said money may be something to worry about — or maybe not.
Rather than chastising him about the separate account, talk to him about planning for the future. Sit down with him and set goals for your life together.
What do you want to save for? Talk about the future, what it may cost and how the two of you can plan together to make it happen. Suggest that you both contribute to a “future fund.” This may encourage him to divert some of his mad money back to your joint account without you scolding him about it.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I am feeling hurt after a recent vacation with my friends, and I’m not sure what to do.
We planned this trip for months, hoping to have a great time and create wonderful memories together. However, things took a turn, and now I’m questioning whether I even want to continue these friendships.
It began with disagreements about our daily plans and how we wanted to spend our time. Some of us wanted to relax and take things easy, while others were more interested in exploring and participating in various activities. This difference in expectations led to tension and frustration.
As the days went on, the arguments escalated. We found ourselves bickering over small things like where to eat, who should pay for what and even trivial matters like room assignments.
One night, it all came to a head. Harsh words were exchanged, and personal attacks were made. The rest of the trip was awkward and uncomfortable.
Now that we’re back home, I’m left with a mix of emotions. Part of me wants to reach out and try to mend things, but another part of me wonders if these friendships are worth saving.
I keep thinking about the things that were said and the way we treated one another. It’s hard to imagine going back to the way things were before.
What should I do?
— Broken Friendships
DEAR BROKEN FRIENDSHIPS: First, decide how much you value these people.
Do you want to continue to be friends with them? If so, reach out and tell them you want to talk about what happened to see if you can mend your friendships.
If you are fine walking away from them, do nothing. If someone from the group reaches out, you can reconnect — or not.
It is sad when friendships experience rifts, but sometimes that shift is an indication that the relationships have changed. That’s OK.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.