DEAR HARRIETTE: What should I do if my mother is smothering me?
My husband and I recently moved closer to my parents because we have two little ones. My daughters are 3 and 4 years old, and I need help with them because my husband and I both work full-time.
My mom has a key to our house for when she comes to watch my kids. While I appreciate all the support and love my mom provides, her frequent and unexpected visits are starting to cause stress.
My husband and I value our privacy and the little family time we have together, and her unannounced visits often disrupt our routine and personal time. Sometimes she comes over multiple times a week without prior notice, and it’s starting to feel overwhelming.
I understand that she means well and just wants to be involved in our lives, especially with her grandchildren, but the lack of boundaries is becoming a problem.
I don’t want to seem ungrateful — we genuinely need her help with the kids — but we also need to set some boundaries to maintain our own space and time as a family. How should we go about doing this?
— Boundaries
DEAR BOUNDARIES: Thank your mother for all of her help, and tell her you need one more thing: privacy in your marriage.
Explain that as much as you love her, it is disruptive for her to come over unannounced. You are trying to establish a family rhythm and, without meaning to, she regularly disrupts the flow.
Ask her to call in advance to help you establish the privacy that you desperately need.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been a longtime reader of your column, but this is the first time I’ve felt compelled to write to you. I’m writing in reference to “Mid-Size Problem,” whose boyfriend was making comments about her weight.
While I agree with your advice for the writer to gently approach her boyfriend to express her feelings, I don’t know if it will make a difference in the way he treats her.
I had a similar experience in a relationship years ago. There was always an undercurrent of criticism if my weight fluctuated, which, let’s be honest, happens over the years.
The fact that the writer’s boyfriend is doing this suggests a level of shallowness I don’t think will change over time. I think the writer would be wise to see this behavior as a character flaw and move on.
And, worst-case scenario, if she were to marry and raise a family with him, their children would pick up on this behavior and model it themselves in their own relationships.
My relationship lasted over three years before it came to an end. While it’s not one I would have wanted to repeat, it did give me valuable insights into what qualities I wanted in my ideal partner. Thankfully, I met my husband shortly afterward and have been happily married for 25 years now, so I hope the writer comes to the same realization and finds a life partner who shares her values.
— Insight
DEAR INSIGHT: Thank you for sharing your story. It helps a lot for people in crisis to know they aren’t alone and to learn from other people’s experiences.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.